Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
