More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
