did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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