fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
