Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She bit a glass in half.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
