ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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