so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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