Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
