My friends, they love my intelligence
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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