Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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