***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
