if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
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I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
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Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize