What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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