It's just like the Real World with babies
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
the liver wants what the liver wants
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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