I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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