i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
