We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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