i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Randomize
