pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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