so explain again why im purple
no
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
