I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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