Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
