the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I think I won the penis lottery.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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