omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
