You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
