what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
