I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
