we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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