it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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