shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
