her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
