so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
