Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just pee around me
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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