the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I have fence marks all over my body
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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