I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
