we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
