1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
