I accidentally had phone sex last night
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
