i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
