Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
