why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
