Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
