remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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