I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
