i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
