The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
