and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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