It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
