I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
