he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
