I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
