I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Congratulations! We have a period
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