you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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