mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
