i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Randomize
