literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
