its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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