I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
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You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
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they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
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