I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
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Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
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it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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