i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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