honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Randomize
