Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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