1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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