We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
